Saturday 17th October 2020
Honestly my brain! I feel like Jonny 5 from short circuit 2 when he reads a book, I have too much input going in.
For the most part, the week has been good, I’ve caught up with some good friends and I’ve got loads done around the house, Mrs Hinch’s Instagram stories are so motivating!
Despite this, my mind is still trying to convince me that life is shit. Veronica has been in full force. “What’s the point?” and “Why bother?” Seem to be her current favourite sayings. I feel like I am continually arguing with a child, trying to answer those petulant questions and disagree with the nasty things she says. It’s exhausting.
Thursday was the final straw. I was back to working. I really wasn’t feeling it. My house was all clean and tidy, I had a delicious meal in the slow cooker, I felt like I had it all together, dare I say, I was happy. Sadly, it wasn’t to be. Veronica got her way in the end, life was shit, I didn’t deserve good things, I’m just not worthy so why have I even bothered to dare to try and be happy? I felt like a bouncy balloon that had had a pin jabbed in it. Deflated, useless and withered. I went to bed feeling the lowest I had in a long time.
On Friday, I got up and went for my walk and listened to “girl stop apologising” I was only half listening as I was in a bubble of self loathing, I was about to turn it off as I got nearer my house and then my ears perked up at what she was saying, she was talking about asking permission. I realised that I do this A LOT. Not technically asking “can I do this” but everything I do, I am thinking about the impact on others if I think something I do is going to impact someone else negatively, I won’t do it, even if it means that it will then be negative for me. It’s not even a conscious thought, I’m not claiming to be a selfless saint, it’s just how I my mind works.
I felt a little buoyed by this chapter and logged on to work that morning feeling a bit more positive. It didn’t last very long. As the day wore on, I allowed the negativity to take back over. The husband was going out and rather than make plans, which would make me feel better, I was determined to stay home alone and eat and drink, they were the only friends I needed tonight.
Today, I woke up at 6am, I went out for a nice long walk, I didn’t have to be back for work so I took my time and I REALLY enjoyed it. I had a heated discussion with Veronica and when she told me I could never achieve anything, rather than wanting to cry, I answered her back. I told her what I have achieved. I’ve been getting up every morning to go for a walk, I’ve been taking time out of each day for myself, I’ve been doing things I enjoy such as reading, I’ve ticked some jobs off my list such as sorting out the kitchen and spare room, I’ve been keeping on top of the housework. Not bloody bad for the last 10 days, stick that in your pipe V!
We all need to remember our achievements, however small, we have to appreciate ourselves and not worry about what others think, we should be doing things for ourselves, to make ourselves happy. It’s not selfish, you are not only allowed to but you SHOULD put yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup ❤️
@mrshinchhome @msrachelhollis #Lifestyle #Blogging #SelfCare #SelfLove #Positivity #Wellness #blog #blogger #bloggers #blogpost #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #depression #health #mentalillness #recovery #psychology #healing #mentalhealthmatters #life #happiness #stress #wellbeing #overwhelmed #awareness
2020-10-17 11:24:00
