The struggle is real

Sunday 11th October 2020

Not gonna lie, the past few days have been a struggle. Nothings happened. I’m not back to work until Thursday, I’ve got loads done around the house, I’ve cooked, I’ve baked, I’ve gone for a morning walk. On the surface I couldn’t appear more together if I tried. Give that surface a little scratch and you will see that I am floundering around.

I am putting too much pressure on myself (again) to get things done, things around the house, I’m signing up to all sorts of free online courses and I’m planning my days with precision, then I realise that I’m doing it again. Filling all my time. Sure, it’s all things that I want to get done, but I’m busying my mind so much so that I don’t have time or space to deal with my feelings. I’m also stuffing my face. Today, I literally felt like food was a big cuddle, the more food, the bigger the cuddle, but it’s only fleeting and before I know it it’s gone and I am “alone” again, berating myself for the self sabotage and lack of self care.

I have downloaded so many podcasts on self care, self worth, confidence, self esteem, you name it I’ve looked it up and read or listened, yet I am still really struggling to put it into practice and I cannot silence the bitch inner critic (had the name suggestion of Veronica so we are going with that – I do know some very lovely veronicas so please don’t take offence)
Veronica is there, constantly. She has something to say about everything. The way I look, what I eat, what I don’t eat, what I say, what I don’t say, what I feel. It’s relentless, like someone constantly sniping at you. No wonder my house is so spotless, I can’t hear whilst I’m cleaning out cupboards, listening to podcasts and planning the rest of my week all at once.

There is a lot of talk about letting go and forgiveness, but not a lot of talk on how to do these things. I know I have to challenge Veronica, but it’s hard to when she’s telling me I’m a fat cow who will never lose weight, when I’m shoving my face full of food. She seems to be talking sense at this point.

So now, I’m lying on my bed, having some space from the rest of the world, trying to figure out my next steps, because I desperately want to move forward, even if it’s one step a day.

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