Why I’m Resisting, Letting Go & Having A Good Old Fashioned Sob

I’m finding it strange not having a set morning routine at the moment.

I know that there are certain things I will want to do again, such as using my self-reflectionplanner, but I am resisting the urge to throw myself back into doing this again for a couple more weeks.

I really want to focus my time on being healthier and also getting my freelancing business off the ground so the fewer distractions I have, the better.

This week, I went to the opening day of a new B&M shop with the mother. I honestly don’t know what we were thinking! I am not a huge fan of shopping but I do love a good mooch around B&M & Home Bargains buying things I don’t need. I always go during the week as the weekends tend to be busy and I hate all that queuing.

Going to the opening day, on a Tuesday in Harlow was like a Saturday in Sainsbury’s on steroids. People were pouring into the shop, which is thankfully big and the queues were halfway up the aisles. Despite not having much in the trolley and what we did have could have been bought elsewhere, we decided to join one of the epic queues.

I think we queued for about half an hour in the end but it seemed to move pretty quickly. I think I will leave it a week or so before returning!

As I mentioned yesterday, I was feeling pretty smug about skipping the monthly tearfulness I usually suffer, but sadly it caught up with me on Wednesday. I woke up feeling crap so I decided my morning walk would do me a favour and off I went.

It seemed busier out than usual and people kept getting in my way and slowing me down. On my return, I realised that my Apple Watch had stopped my walk at 58 minutes, meaning I would not get the 8 vitality points for my 60-minute workout. That was the final straw.

The tears came and the husband, who was trying to finish packing, gently consoled me from a safe distance and I drove him to Heathrow, feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself that he was leaving me alone, even though I had been looking forward to it before.

I came home and I could feel the tears bubbling away under the surface so I decided that rather than try and resist them, I was going to invite them in and have myself a little pity party. I got in my dressing down, poured a glass of wine and put the notebook on.

As soon as the opening music came on, I was gone. Full-on sobbing, for practically the entire film. I’m not particularly a fan of romance but this is just such a beautiful story and it gets me every time.

After that, I felt cleansed and it reminded me how important it was to feel my feelings, instead of trying to escape or fight them. I went to bed feeling so much better and promised myself that I would cry with reckless abandon more often.

On Thursday I was determined to sort my about me page out on my website. I created the site a couple of weeks ago and had been avoiding looking at it ever since. I got my laptop from the sanctuary and started typing away, rewriting it again and again. In the end, I set up the home page, an about me page, a portfolio page and a contact me page and I was rather pleased with myself.

If you would like to have a nosey, here it is www.clarehwrites.Wordpress.com

On Friday night, we had a girl’s night round the besties. We had lots of wine and a takeaway, I opted for a chicken shish wrap and couldn’t even finish it. I got home after 2 am and enjoyed every single minute.

I’ve been feeling very conscious about my calorie intake this week. I didn’t want to start stuffing my face the minute the husband left the house as I have done before.

I wanted to exercise some self-control and now I was trying to control every other inch of my life, I was finding it slightly easier. Every time I think of eating something, rather than just getting up and going to the kitchen, I sit and ask myself a few questions.

  • Am I really hungry?
  • Do I really want to eat that?
  • How will I feel after I eat that?

Pretty simple stuff really and usually, I find that 60% of the time, I don’t end up eating the crap I was thinking about. Obviously, there are times when I do eat the crap, but rather than berate myself, I track it and try to just move on. Perhaps I will eat less for the rest of the day/week.

I also need to realise that I have had about 20 years of implementing these bad eating habits and breaking these and ridding myself of my self-sabotaging ways, is going to take work and some days will be harder than others, the key is to keep going.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
2022-10-15 15:39:18

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