The Never-Ending Journey For The Solution to My Midlife Sorrows

When Wednesday arrived, I took a much-needed day off after all the doctor drama earlier that week.

I went to London to meet my friend for lunch, ate and drank what I wanted, and didn’t think about all the turmoil I’d been feeling. I wanted to forget everything for just one day, and I did.

The following day, it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. As soon as I opened my laptop, I felt instantly overwhelmed. I pushed and pushed through that morning, determined not to crack, and I have to say, for once, pushing against my resistance paid off.

I managed to turn things around and even returned some parcels I had left until the last minute. Although I did feel annoyed with myself about it, when I got back, I was feeling almost normal. My husband was faffing with the printer, so I tried to help with that. Just as I was starting to relax, my phone rang. I took a deep breath; I just wanted this one hour to chill out before I had to get back to work.

I got off the phone feeling like I was carrying the weight of everyone’s problems. No one had given them to me; I just seemed to take it upon myself to try and figure out everyone’s worries when I didn’t need to.

I sat down and started Googling how to solve the husband’s printer issues. Again, he hadn’t asked me to. When I finally broke, I felt so overwhelmed; I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t focus, and I just wanted to cry.

I felt so angry about the lack of help I was receiving from my private healthcare. They have still not responded to my email from Monday, and I am just left swimming around with all of this uncertainty when I just want some answers so I can find a solution to this messy scribble that is my brain right now.

My husband is going away next week, and I am dreading it. I don’t want to be alone; I am scared and stressed. But I don’t tell him this because he probably needs a break from me; I need a break from me too!

I can’t bring myself to open my laptop again, so I let out all my frustration by typing a long email of complaint to the private healthcare company and then go into the garden for another cry.

I try to swallow down the constant fury I feel with everyone and everything. I feel like I am going insane. I want to smash up everything in sight, but I know that this won’t help; I will just have more to cry about. Not that I even need things to cry about anymore.

I don’t even trust how I feel anymore. Am I really thinking and feeling these things, or is it the hormones or whatever it is doing this?

I just hope that my call with Peppy can give me some firmer answers. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Friday brought a better day, meaning a better mood. I wasn’t sure if it was just a coincidence or because I would be speaking to someone about my health. I worked from the sanctuary, which I hadn’t done for a while, and it seemed to spur me on.

I had my call with the lady from Peppy who was really helpful. She gave me lots of guidance about what to do next, answered all of my questions before I could ask them, and most importantly, didn’t make me feel like I was being neurotic.

When I got off the call, I took her advice and called my GP, telling them before they could ask that I would like to speak to someone about HRT, and I was swiftly given an appointment for 2 weeks. No “call back tomorrow at 8:30,” just an appointment with a nurse. I felt victorious like I was finally getting somewhere.

I received a message from the nurse at Peppy with a detailed report that I can take to my appointment as well as a handy PDF full of resources and information, which I will be sharing in my midweek Substack newsletter soon.

My husband and I popped out on Saturday afternoon, feeling somewhat calmer now that I had secured an actual face-to-face appointment. We headed to our local micropub for a couple of drinks before heading home with some food from our favourite Turkish restaurant. It felt good to feel like a normal person for a few hours.

2023-09-11 15:33:22

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