Raging Against the Hormone Machine

I spend my Sunday determined not to fall back into the pit of hell I have only just climbed out of. I set some weekly goals, re-jig my routine and do lots of writing. When Monday comes, I am ready. After my shower, I get up and out for a walk and have breakfast in the garden. I feel in a much better mood.

Whilst on my walk, I began to think about how women are charged extra for wanting help with menopause even if they already have private healthcare; it’s just not included, even though it happens to most of us.

I really want to stop worrying about the future and live in the here and now because I am missing it. But it’s hard not to when important things like my physical and mental health are in the hands of people who seem to know less than I do. Despite this, I start the week off on a positive note and go to bed that night happy.

You know what’s coming, don‘t you?

Two hours of sleep is all I got that night. Once I was awake, my mind was a whir, my anger levels rising, leading me to start worrying about my blood pressure, leading to more anger about this whole debacle. I want my fcking life back! I have seen three doctors and two nurses and feel more stressed than when I started. At this point, I feel like fcking them all off and just buying HRT off the internet.

If I called my doctors saying I needed antidepressants, they would be in my hand by the end of the day, so why is getting HRT such a bloody rigmarole? Every day that goes by leaves me feeling more and more shit. I have massive anxiety about my next appointment because it will be all about my blood pressure, and I really want a prescription for HRT. Surely, once my hormones are levelled out, this will reduce the stress I have been under for the last 7+ years, and my blood pressure will lower naturally?

I am sick of feeling like an old, miserable woman who spends way too much time wondering what happened to me and why I have no oomph anymore. Now I know there is a possible solution to this, and a simple one at that. So why is everyone making it so difficult for me to achieve this?

I got up, did my 750 words to try and get it all out, and went on my walk, even though I felt nauseous, which I’m unsure if it was from the lack of sleep, the anger, or a combination of both. When it’s time for the workday to begin, I go upstairs, get a few bits done and then take myself to bed for a 30-minute Power Nap. Obviously, I don’t sleep; there is far too much to worry about.

Later on, I meet the bestie for lunch. I consider cancelling, but I haven’t seen her for so long.. it might just make me feel better, and of course it does. Unfortunately, the feeling doesn’t last, and when I get home and take my blood pressure, which shows the highest-ever reading, I cry again. I now have health anxiety on top of my “normal” anxiety. Great.

I go to bed with a puffy face that night, not daring to think about wanting more sleep. I don’t want to tempt fate.

Even though I wear an eye mask to bed, I know it’s still dark when I wake up. I just know I try to go back to sleep, but my brain is preparing a nice blend of irrational thoughts; how kind. When I remove the eye mask, I see it’s just after 5; I try not to think about how long I have been lying there and get up to let it all out in 750 words.

I decided to write my entire sorry tale so far in the menopause forum for what reason I am unsure, but I am so glad I did. Those women are bloody amazing. So many took the time to respond, sympathising, cheering me on to keep going and offering brilliant advice.

They completely lifted my mood that day, and I felt part of something, a togetherness, even if it was pure frustration. I felt understood, and I felt heard. I was not going mad.

I felt fortunate to have so much information available to me that I can question things; if there is even the slightest chance that I can get some semblance of myself back, I will fight tooth and nail to get it, and I don’t want to stop there.

I want to ensure that other women have this information available to them much earlier. We shouldn’t have to wait until my life is tipped upside down by mood swings, depression, skin conditions and all the other shitty symptoms of this. We should be prepared. We should be educated about peri-menopause, menopause and post-menopause at the same time we learn about our periods.

Let’s start teaching everyone, not just females, about our cycles from the beginning right through to the end. This undoubtedly affects the people around us as well.

I am so grateful to every single woman who is out there talking about this; it is because of them that I can keep fighting to get back to the person I used to be, the person that I truly am and not accept feeling like a shell of myself under the guise of being old and “this is how it is now”. F*ck That.

Fuelled by a comment on my Reddit post, saying that for menopause not to be covered by private healthcare is discrimination; this is something I want to look into. Seriously, menopausal women, with access to the internet and fuelled by rage, are dangerous, and we are coming for those who get in our way.

2023-09-23 18:09:45

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