The clouds of misery seem to have dispersed, for now. I’m too cynical to believe that they have disappeared completely. I’ve spent those days of normality trying to do as much as I possibly can whilst I have the emotional bandwidth, it’s nice not to feel like it’s waiting for certain death at any given moment.
The husband is going away for a week and as usual, I have filled up most of my free time with lunches and dinners with friends, I’m excited to celebrate the fact that I have submitted my first-ever draft of copy to a client!!
I was pretty pleased with what I had produced but I was of course nervous about the feedback, this could lead to more projects. But I know that I worked really hard on it and did my very best and I now feel confident about taking on more work in the future.
I had a great weekend catching up with friends, and even though I miss the husband, I found that putting my focus on the things I do have at that moment has become easier.
I spent hours just writing, feeling the joy from doing it that I have been missing. I found myself feeling better than I had in a long time, I just hoped the poor husband would get to see this version of me for a bit, instead of the monster he had been living with for so long.
The husband returned but the monster in me did not, didn’t appear. Life was beginning to feel good again and that nagging feeling of wondering when it would end, like a child tugging at your clothes for attention, was being pushed as far down as I could get it. I had had a week of feeling normal, I think the relief of feeling like I was finally getting somewhere with the doctors had set in, maybe I could relax a bit now?
What an idiot.
On Friday morning, I woke up practically excited to go to the doctor. As I lay there in bed envisioning happier days on HRT, I realised Toby, who was lying at the end of the bed by my feet hadn’t made his usual noisy requests for breakfast. I sat up and gave him a little scratch behind the ears which he loves. Nothing. He wasn’t right at all.
I woke the husband and as I did Toby let out a growling miaow and took himself off to the sanctuary to sit puffed up under my desk. Oh no! What’s wrong with him? I use all the words that normally excite him like “treat” “breakfast” and “outside” nothing. What was wrong with my baby? He needed to go to the vet. The husband said he would take him, and as much as I wanted to go and ask all the questions I needed to be at that appointment an hour’s drive away.
My calm demeanour is now a distant memory as I drove through the morning rush hour traffic to Essex, popping into my parent’s house first to debrief them on my ongoing saga. My mum knew most of it, but my dad was gobsmacked about how menopause is dealt with. It feels like he would probably have an easier time getting HRT than I have.
At the doctor’s, I am about to sit in the nurse’s chair as she says “You‘re here for the contraceptive pill yes?”
“No, I told the girl on the phone, I’m here to start HRT”
The nurse smiled at me apologetically, “Oh I can’t give you that for your first time, you will need to see a doctor, I will schedule you an appointment and in the meantime I will take your blood pressure”
I don’t think I hid the annoyance on my face as I said “But I told the girl on the phone what I was coming for”
I knew it wouldn’t make a difference, it wasn’t her fault, but here we are another f*cking HRT hurdle. I lay my arm on the table, knowing that my blood pressure is going to f#ck me over as well. It always does at the doctors, white coat syndrome they call it. Today I had that as well as a sick cat, an hour on the M25 and another balls up by the medical profession.
3 times she took my blood pressure and every time it was high. She tells me that this is cause for concern and we need to get that sorted prior to HRT. She told me she would send me a link, I will need to do my blood pressure at home in the morning and the evening for 7 days, it’s very easy and she will book me in for a call with the doctor to discuss that and HRT.
My mind is reeling, I stupidly thought I was going to be a step closer to things getting better and now it feels like I’m even further away. I go shopping with my mum after, something I had been really looking forward to, but now all I can think about is Toby, so I go home earlier than planned.
When I got home, Toby was back to normal, after the vet gave him an injection, he just had a bug. I sat down relieved and decided to take a look at the link the nurse sent. FFS, I need a blood pressure machine, which I don’t have, she didn’t tell me this, kind of a big factor, I could have borrowed the one my parents had if I had known. I order one off of Amazon before the tears of frustration fall.
They continue to fall well into Saturday and when my blood pressure machine arrives, I take my first measurement, which is still a little on the high side, but I am feeling anxious doing it because I know a high reading is a barrier to me getting HRT.
When I input the details, I had already missed the previous day’s readings because I didn’t have a machine and then the first reading of that day. It’s just too much for me and I am in tears again, tears of sadness and the realisation that if someone had just listened to me all those years ago when my symptoms started, I wouldn’t be dealing with this and tears of anger at this whole debacle that I have had to go through because I am a woman and some stupid dickhead somewhere decided that learning about the menopause wasn’t important enough to make it compulsory learning.
I hope that person bangs their elbows and treads on plus with socks on every single day for the rest of their lives – and that’s by far my kindest wish for them!!!
2023-09-18 08:22:00
