She needs to go

Monday 24th May 2021

Well hello there. I’ve been wanting to post for a while, I’ve even started a few posts but, if I’m honest, I found them quite depressing.
So. What’s been happening? Since my last post in March;

• I turned 40
• I went back to counselling
• I’ve gone from feeling motivated about my job to feeling disillusioned
• I’m back to being convinced I’m perimenopausal
• I have become “stuck”

I am very surprised that turning 40 had quite an affect on me. I’ve never been bothered about ageing, but I guess that’s because I’ve never really felt (or acted) my age. Until now.
Like everyone around the world, the plans I had for my birthday had to be scrapped due to the UK lockdown, although I am fortunate that I have great family and friends who still made my day special.
It seems that since hitting 40, in fact this year, my positivity has taken a massive nosedive. I am struggling to try and find things to look forward to, almost like I don’t see the point in looking forward to anything. My body is quite obviously changing, my sleep is all over the place, I only have to think about food and I put on weight, my body hurts like I’ve actually done exercise (I haven’t) and the crying. What’s it’s all the fucking crying?
Yes, I could very well be depressed, I’ve been depressed before, but this feels different.
Since the beginning of the year, maybe longer, I have been feeling sorry for myself, throwing myself into my job to distract me from addressing what is actually going on, seeking comfort in food and alcohol and not having counselling sessions because of lockdown, even though I could’ve had the over zoom. Basically, I was self destructing.

On my birthday some photos were taken, I was horrified at what I saw. I did not recognise the woman staring back at me. So what did I do? I didn’t look at those pictures and carried on as a was, those pictures were just another stick to beat myself with and I didn’t want to think about them.
A week or two later, I was able to return to counselling and I began to realise how much I had pent up inside me, becoming more and more toxic.
After my second session, I came away and had a bit of an epiphany. I was so fucking tired of being a victim to my emotions, of wallowing in self pity and most of all of being that stranger in the pictures. This isn’t who I am? Instead of crying to myself and saying how did I get here, I was going to get myself out of here.

I know it’s going to take time, I have been slip sliding my way down for a few years now so it’s not going to come undone quickly or easily and there will still be days when I cry a lot or feel sorry for myself or eat & drink to distract myself, but for the first time in a long time, I can see a slither of light and I am heading towards that instead of the black hole that keeps on calling me.

This woman I see in the mirror is not me. She needs to go.