Midlife crisis?

Saturday 19th June 2021

I think I am having a midlife crisis. Google appears to agree with me.

According to an article on womansday.com , these are the 17 signs that you’re having a midlife crisis.

  1. You’re gaining or losing weight.
    Oh how I wish it was the latter.
    I am slowly coming out of a phase, where I have to let everyone I see and speak to, that I am fat. I need to tell them before they come to the realisation themselves, its like if I say it before they think it, its not as bad. I know that we have been in and out of lockdown over the past year or so my daily commute is non existant, but the rapid rate that those pounds have piled on is fucking annoying.
  2. You’re Apathetic.
    This could be my middle name, or my first name in fact. I just can’t be bothered to do anything. Sometimes I can’t even be bothered to look for something on TV to watch, I just don’t have any interest, in, well anything.
  3. You don’t think you’re enough.
    The amount of time I spend reflecting on this, should I be doing more? I am a shit wife/stepmother/daughter/friend/sister/cat mother/cleaner/neighbour/colleague? It is exhat up usting.
  4. You’re experiencing unusual physical pain.
    I’m not sure what the definition is of “unusual” here, but it all bloody hurts. I used to be able to do a back bend and the splits, now I can’t even get up out of a chair without walking like a crab for 5 minutes.
  5. You’re asking yourself deep probing questions.
    I mean this is very true. Something I am finding myself thinking and asking is. “What is my purpose?” I wonder if I have chosen the right career path, should I have done something different? Should I have travelled when I was younger? I’m not sure why the brain likes to throw these particular questions at me at 4am.
  6. You’re making rash decisions
    This one I can disagree with, I dont think I have made a rash decision in the last 10 years unless you include an impulse buy from very.co.uk after too many sav blancs.
  7. You’re turning down opportunities
    YES. OMG YES. My go to word now is “No” My first instinct when anyone asks me to do anything is “No” I literally have to stop and think about it carefully now and think to myself “Why not? What are the pros and cons? What are you afraid of?” I think I took the whole “Say no to things” to far, maybe that is a rash decision kind of?
  8. You’re not sleeping through the night.
    I genuinely dont think I have slept a full night this year. Every morning I wake up around 4am, no reason just awake, ready for all the stupid questions my brain has for me, thinking about work emails that pissed me off 2 days ago, wondering if I have upset this person or that person, none of which I was thinking about before going to bed, so it makes no sense at all.
  9. Your vision of the future is dismal
    I’m not sure if dismal is the right word I would use, however, I dont have those dreams of “when I grow up I will…”
    I am grown up (apparently) and now all there is to look forward to is aching bones, illness and how much fucking longer do I have to work? The bright colours that once appeared in my images of the future are now cloudy and grey and the uncertainty has changed from making me feel excited about whats to come to making me feel anxious.
  10. You’re constantly bored.
    I mean, being stuck indoors 24/7 with days on end and everything shut, certainly hasnt helped matters and I havent helped myself, the beautiful gift of hindsight tells me all the things I could have done in the last year, my positive side tells me there is still time and my mid life crisis brain asks me whats the point? Right now I am trying to find my passion, or should I say re-ignite my passion of writing, hence this long old essay to you all right now.
  11. You have an overwhelming sense of loss.
    I had a conversation with a good friend of mine recently and we discussed about how surprised we are at turning 40 was very different to how we thought it would be. I feel like I’ve lost myself, the idea of who I thought I would be. I feel disappointed with myself, like I have wasted my youth away a bit, I didnt make the most of certain opportunities.
  12. You become overly concerned about your appearance
    1000% I look so different now and I hate it, I really do, to the point that I wont go out. Sadly, the concern came far too late and now I have a huge fight ahead of me, some of the damage cannot be undone, beacuse……
  13. You stop caring about your appearances completely.
    I don’t know when or how this happened, but it has. I felt like one day I was swanning around wearing whatever I wanted and then boom, I was sitting in loungewear eating endless amounts of food and giving no fucks, I spent too long in denial, thinking I could turn it around, not realising that not eating breakfast for a couple of days would no longer shift half a stone like it used to.
  14. You think of yourself as an old person.
    This was the biggest shock of them all. I have friends who are older than me and I dont see them as old, but I do feel old and refer to myself as old, its like the fat thing, tell someone before they think it for themselves. How this is better I have no idea.
  15. You feel ok sometimes and others not.
    Who doesnt? I mean do I have mood swings of gigantic proportions? Absolutely, but those go from being super happy and positive to not wanting to get out of bed all day.
  16. You think your best years are behind you.
    I guess I do. My body isnt what it used to be, I can’t stay up too late anymore, I can’t lie in anymore, I don’t have the confidence I once had. Where is the good to come?
  17. You think every bad day means you’re having a mid life crisis.
    Well no actually, not until I bloody googled it!
2021-06-19 16:05:00

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