It’s been a while

Sunday 31st October 2021

Well hello strangers! Happy Halloween I know it’s been a while.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t felt much of a desire to write, it’s not that I’ve been depressed (I know, good isn’t it) actually far from it, I’ve only been bloody enjoying my life. Who would have thought it? AND I am even back in the office for 3 days a week AND not even minding it. AND I seem to not be such a piss head these days either. Maybe I should change the name of this blog from “This is me” to “Who am I?”

About 6 weeks ago, there was a huge shift, I can’t honestly pin point it to one event or moment, but what I can tell you is counselling sessions are really paying off. I finally feel at ease with myself. I feel happier than I have felt in such a long time and it’s bloody amazing.
I did start to write a blog post a few weeks ago but I was scared I would jinx my happiness, then I did have a bad week, but then I felt happy again, then I felt worried it would sound like I was gloating, then I told myself that if I can get through it anyone can and it might help others to know that the light at the end of the tunnel can be reached, you just need to keep going.

The bad week, incidentally, turned out to be hormones. I had my first period in 12 years. So, I am not menopausal.
I don’t doubt that coming off of the mini pill back in August has had a positive effect on my mood and mindset, although I’m not sure the husband would agree given the awakening of the whirlwind of hormones that lay dormant for the past 12 years. At this point I was saying to myself “see, told you it wouldn’t last, you can’t be happy”
I was then surprised to find myself springing back into my new happy mindset fairly quickly, no slow struggle back to feelings of “just about managing” but actually happy, making plans with people and looking forward to them and the most surprising of all, going to back to the office and rather liking it!

My counselling sessions have played a massive part in this, I am learning how to cope with uncomfortable situations and set boundaries, which for me are so very important.
The person who I thought I was, I may not be and that’s actually ok, I don’t have to pretend anymore.
My role is not to make others happy at the detriment to my mental health, I can still be kind and respect my own boundaries at the same time.
It’s not always easy and there will be times when it’s still quite difficult, the difference is that now, I know I can survive it, I know that a bad week doesn’t take months to come back from like it once did.

I want to say finally I feel like myself again, but that’s not true because now I feel brand new (well brand new for a 40 year old!)