And another thing….

Something else I’ve realised I do, mostly because people have been telling me I do it. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I’m constantly adding stuff to my to do list, then if I can’t or don’t complete a task, I feel like a failure. I started walking recently after my leg injury, rather than just be happy that I can actually walk again, I start thinking I need to walk faster or further, maybe even run. Why can’t I just be pleased that I’m doing something, instead of wanting to run before I can walk?

I have taken another step in the right direction as far as my alcohol is concerned. I found that it was getting to Wednesday and I’d find myself wanting a drink, why? What’s so special about Wednesday? Then I realised, that’s when the shopping, including the alcohol arrives, unpacking those bottles is like planting a seed in my fucked up brain. The resolution? I change my shopping day to Thursday AND I don’t order myself any alcohol.

I had my first session at counselling last week. It felt really good to be back and so much has happened since I last saw her in February, although she still has to remind me to be kind to myself.

I come away thinking about this. Why is self acceptance so hard? Why can I accept being fucked over by someone, but if I eat or drink too much one day, I feel like my world is ending and I hate myself. It’s not the end of the world and I just need to accept it, reflect on why it happened and move on.

The scales are slowly & steadily going down. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient. As long as I keep going, the weight will come off. It has to. I do truly believe that when I lose this weight, I will be so much happier. I bloody better be!

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