Trying to find something good

Tuesday 17th November 2020

I really debated on whether to post this or not. I feel very conscious about spreading negativity but on the flip side, I do know from personal experience, that realising you’re not alone in a situation can be quite comforting, so I have thrown caution to the wind and wrote in my usual warts & all way.

I was really quite looking forward to this lockdown, I quite enjoyed the last one, but I have to say, it’s a no from me. On day 2 I had a meltdown (standard) that in turn affected my weekend, which I spent most of feeling anxious and fed up, so rather than inflict this on everyone else, I holed myself up in my room for most of it.
I was actually looking forward to Monday and getting back to work, nope, got gastric flu didn’t I. Just what I needed, I tried to see the positive side that I should lose some weight with all the lack of food and constant “emptying” I was experiencing.

I had my reading with Tanya on Tuesday which was great, but I was feeling so poorly my brain couldn’t focus, thank god she recorded it so I can listen again.
The husband has been very good, bringing me drinks and food, when I could face it.
At the end of the week, I felt much better, I’m not so secretly, pleased that my appetite has not fully returned, I was really happy to be back at work, that was until I had to deal with work people but then my day was cheered up by a beautiful surprise gift from Tanya, a gorgeous lily plant! That really turned my day around, it even made me have a little cry!

But then, work is over and I don’t know what to do with myself. The husband is watching golf all weekend, I can’t see any of my friends and I feel a bit, Meh. I’m not really feeling up to doing any cleaning or anything, I am quite simply, fed up.
I was supposed to be in Hereford this weekend as well which doesn’t help, I should be quaffing wine in my friends lounge, gossiping and eating fabulous food, instead, I am sitting on my sofa, in my oldest pair of PJs , as I have been too ill to do any washing and I’ve sweated through the rest of them, feeling sorry for myself. The novelty of lockdown has well and truly worn off.

My car went in for a service £310 gone – Tanya, I hope this is not what that No 3 was! Poor Tobester has to go to the vets as he’s had a couple of little accidents, which is very unlike him. I am already worrying about it, mentally berating myself in advance about being a terrrible cat mother.

This weekend, my mood was different every single hour, I don’t think there was an emotion I did not feel, it has been quite a confusing start to this lockdown, but I’m still here (and so is the husband) and in the spirit of being positive, I am trying my very best to see the good in each day, such as;

• I get to work from home, which means no commuting, no going out in the cold, having more time at home
• My stomach has shrunk from the gastric flu, meaning its easier for me to listen to my hunger and fullness queues, so I am not overeating and am eating less calories, which I hope to god will see some weight loss.
• I am feeling. Yes, I am crying pretty much everyday, yes sometimes I feel like screaming (sometimes I do!) but I am feeling emotions and dealing with them, rather than burying them/eating to comfort myself/drinking to numb them, which can only be a good thing. I’m not saying its easy but its quite therapeutic in a warped kind of way.

Trying to see something good in everyday really does has a massive impact on your mindset, we really do need to remind ourselves of the good things in life, no matter how small.