The last cry of 2020

Monday 29th December 2020
I’m not sure what woke me up this morning, but the clock showed 4.45. Exactly 2 hours before my alarm was due to go off. Great, 2 hours left to sleep right. Nope. More like one hour of trying to convince myself to go back to sleep, followed by me giving up and spending an hour reading my book.

On a positive note, this gave me the time I need to get back into my morning routine, starting with a nice morning walk. It was just as I like it, dark & cold, I had my bobble hat and gloves on and walked for 30 minutes, listening to the last episode of French & Saunders “Titting about” on audible (very funny!)

I come home & shower, I put some actual work clothes on, well ones that fit, rather than lounge wear, I really want to try and seperate work time and home time as much as I can and come downstairs to do a bit of meditation. My anxiety has been through the roof over the last week or so, my chest feels like someone is putting a childs belt around it and I feel like I can’t breathe, so I choose a breathing exercise on headspace and do a 1 minute breathing exercise, I should probably have done longer but I remember that I am trying to use the words “I should” less and reminded myself that I did something rather than nothing and should be happy with that.

I head to the kitchen, put the kettle on, the husband has emptied the dishwasher the day before and left some bits on the side, he obviously doesnt know where they belong. Enter rage. The anger came from nowhere.
Has this just been left for me to put away?
Why is this my job?
Why can’t he just look?
Whats the point?
Why bother?
Then the tears come. I sit on the sofa and cry, like really cry. I havent cried for almost a week, strangely when I have had things to actually cry about.
As I am crying I am asking myself some questions, I now know through my counselling sessions that I am not really angry, this isnt about some bowls on the side in the kitchen, after about 10 minutes of enquiring within myself, I realise I feel a bit lost and its been going on for a while.
The week before Christmas, I saw 3 baby scans in one day 2 of my friends and one on TOWIE. My mind wandered and I kept thinking of how exciting it is for those and their families and how lovely it would be to give this surprise to my family and how I would tell them, then I realise this is never going to happen, so then I really question myself, for what feels like the millionth time on this subject. Do I actually want children? After really going into this in my head, thinking about all situations and scenarios, I was relieved to realise that I didn’t actually want to children, I wanted to excitement that comes with all the announcement, to see how happy it made everyone else but I know deep down, that when the doors are closed, I won’t be happy, I know that some people say “You don’t know” etc and all the other cliches. I know what I really crave, is a sense of belonging and I dont think that having a baby will give me that, I think that what I need and want comes from within.
I have spent practically my entire adult life expecting my happiness to come from outside, clothes, food, alcohol, friends, family, boyfriends and still I am waking up in the morning crying. Not only do I rely on these things to make me happy, I have made it my lifes work to please others, like its MY job to make them happy. Its a responsibility that hangs over me like a heavy black cloud, no one has asked for this, I have just taken it upon myself, to an extreme level, to a level where if I can’t do something, I spend hours feeling guilty and worrying that I will upset them, its exhausting and it makes me feel unwell.

I have spent this weekend thinking about all the things I want to achieve in life, not just in 2021. So I started writing them down

2020-12-29 13:02:00

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