Happy Saturday everyone!
I had been conscious that I had been feeling quite happy and content for a bit and I was almost waiting for the impending doom that was sure to come and it came last Saturday morning. I woke up fine and then a small inconvenience happened and white-hot rage consumed my body, followed by uncontrollable tears.
The negative feelings clung to me for the rest of the day. The following morning, I woke up still feeling tearful, but I pulled myself together as we were going to Essex for my dad’s 60th birthday lunch. I had decided I was going to drive, rather than drink, I didn’t want wine magnifying my low mood.
We had a really lovely afternoon and it was great for us all to be together, but as soon as I got home, my happiness evaporated and I took myself to bed early to save the husband from second-hand misery. I ordered myself some ashwagandha, a supplement I had been reading about and silently hoped tomorrow would bring a brighter day.
I woke up early and before the kettle had even boiled, I was crying and I had absolutely no idea why. I let it all out, got myself dressed and went on my walk, where I had to stop myself from bursting into tears several times. Thankfully, it was still fairly early and no one was around to see my quivering chins and water-filled eyes. I came home, cried a bit more and then went into the sanctuary to do some writing.
As I sat down, I decided to make a plan for the day and stick to it. No excuses. It was pretty bold of me thinking about it now, I could barely lift a limb without wanting to cry, so setting myself some goals for the day should have left me a wreck, but it had the opposite effect. I got through my tasks and felt a sense of achievement. I had won!
Tuesday brought storm Claudio, scuppering my plans of getting out for a walk. No matter, I was doing some work that day so perhaps I would do some strength training later on. When I had finished work I braved the wind and rain and went out in the garden to get the kettlebell, but sadly, storm Claudio had worked his magic and the kettlebell was now split. I decided to just do some housework instead, which is just as much of a workout.
On Wednesday, I took myself out for another walk, a much happier one! My mood had significantly improved, had the ashwagandha worked that quickly? Or was it just a coincidence?
I had another intense therapy session, discussing a lot of uncomfortable things that I had buried. I went home feeling exhausted but went up into the sanctuary to work on my freelancing business. I was determined to set up social media and share my details on my personal social media pages.
I was so glad I did this. The response I have received to this has been amazing, I have to remind myself that it is me people are talking about, that I am actually the one that has done this, not someone else they are wishing luck to and congratulation. I must make time to sit with this feeling and really let it sink in and even more importantly, congratulate myself because it is in fact me that has done this and I should be proud of myself.
I realised that the time I’ve been spending in the sanctuary on my laptop has meant less time on my phone and iPad, meaning less time scrolling. I haven’t spent the week, hating myself, what I look like, what I should be doing, what I am not doing and all those other things that scrolling through social media usually makes me feel when I am mindlessly scrolling.
As another week comes to a close, I am feeling excited, we have a night at the besties with friends tonight, doing bring a board and I am looking forward to eating some good food and enjoying some fantastic company.
What started off as a pretty shit week, has actually turned out to be pretty damn good.
