Grand Schemes vs Actual Scenes

I am writing this after having about 3 hours of sleep. I feel like a zombie! So, I hope this all makes sense.

I’ve been feeling my usual mixed emotions over the last few weeks. I’ve felt hurt, making me want to retreat, which was fortunate as that’s what I had planned anyway.

I’ve felt sad and, of course, felt angry because that seems to be my default setting. I knew that those feelings were being magnified by alcohol and knowing I had some nights out coming up. I could say I wouldn’t drink, but I knew I would and would only feel frustrated at myself when I inevitably failed, so I accepted my sorry fate.

I am still finding it especially difficult to have self-compassion and do what I know is good for me. It’s something I know I need to get a grasp of, but it’s such a hard habit to break. My brain is working against me. For example, As soon as I’ve said no drinking, I want to drink etc

WHY AM I LIKE THIS??

I speak to my friend who has also just started HRT and reading her messages is like reading my thoughts. I feel like half a person; my brain isn’t functioning properly and by the time I have given what I have to give to others, I have nothing left for myself.

I decided that I need to be more strict with myself, so I start on Friday once I have a clear run at the week. Here’s how that went.

Things I wanted to do on the Friday:

Go for a morning walk.
Spend a couple of hours on my current work project
Schedule my blog posts for the following week
Write the following week’s midweek medley
Edit my blog post for my business page
Have a bath and do my fake tan
Remove my nail polish ready to do a mani/pedi tomorrow
Cook a nutritious Gousto dinner
Have an alcohol-free night with the husband
Have a nice early night, ready to wake up fresh for tomorrow

Things I actually did on Friday

Woke up at 5 am
Drank tea and Coke Zero while messing about with a budgeting spreadsheet for 5 hours
Moaned at the husband
Attempted to make an omelette (by attempt, I mean go to the kitchen and realise the specific pan I wanted to use wasn’t clean)
Moaned at the husband (again)
Cried about all of that and everything else wrong with my life/the world
Had a bath while rewatching RHOBH Season One Reunion
Ate lunch that the husband brought home
Scrolled social media while watching TV
Berated myself for having an unproductive day
Ordered red wine to be delivered
Caught up on my WhatsApp
Berated myself for drinking while pouring my second glass
Watched I’m a Celeb
Went to bed hoping that I would miraculously wake up tomorrow feeling normal but knowing I just needed to look after myself, so I would probably cry again

I realised that I needed to meet myself in the middle. Instead of repeatedly telling myself tomorrow I will change my entire life, I need to take baby steps, one step at a time.

I woke up on Saturday feeling better and was actually looking forward to my night out, and I didn’t have any other social plans until Friday lunchtime!