Back Home to Hormonal Havoc and Riding the Meltdown Merry-Go-Round

Before we leave Tintagel for Padstow we go for breakfast, I really fancied a full English. We find a nice cafe, and order drinks as I eagerly scanned the menu. NO FULL ENGLISH. I actually wanted to cry, my mind went back to my niece’s wedding meltdown, that is exactly what I felt like doing. I begrudgingly adulted and ordered poached eggs on toast.

We walk along the coastline around Tintagel Castle, and as we are taking one last walk through the village my blood test results arrive in my inbox with a note to say there is no cause for concern but the doctor would like to talk to me, so I booked an appointment for Friday morning when I am home.

We spent a relaxing few days in Padstow, walking around the harbour, getting a ferry over to Rock, dipping in and out of the pubs and eating delicious food in Mussel Box and Rick Steins seafood restaurant.

We visit Newquay, wandering around the coastline and admiring the beautiful blue-green waters. We walked past the famous Headlands Hotel, where they filmed the original film The Witches and then we found ourselves at Fistral Beach, packed with surfing fans watching the boardmaster surfers compete. The only issue we had was it just so happened to be flying ant day and they really began to p1ss me off!

We break up our journey home the following day by visiting the Eden project and as we get closer to home, I feel the weight of overwhelm beginning to press down upon me. Lists of things I need to do swirl around my head. When we eventually arrived home around 9:30 p.m., I was exhausted. I climb into bed I have a good cry and hope that I have got it all out of my system.

I wake up early and rather than go back to sleep as I have been for the past week, being at home sends my mind into overdrive. I get up and decide to sit down with a cup of tea. No milk. Doh! The shopping isn’t coming until lunchtime so I have a black tea.

I put the Love Island reunion on but before I knew it, I was crying again. I feel like I am waiting for the impending doom, something bad to happen, I just don’t know what it is but I am crying like the worst has already happened.

When I eventually calm myself down, I have a shower and go off to collect Toby, having a cuddle with him will make me feel better. He is so pleased to see me and I spend the short journey home apologising and telling him of all the cuddles we are going to have when we get home.

I have my follow-up call about my blood tests at 11 and I am disappointed to find it’s a different doctor. He seemed to have no idea what my appointment was about, despite the fact I had to give these details when I booked online.

He asked me to explain why I had blood tests. I’m a little frustrated that he hasn’t looked at my notes or anything before the call so I repeat what I told the last doctor, that I think I could be perimenopausal but I am aware that there could be other issues at hand so wanted to rule those out.

After quickly reading through my results, he tells me that it’s not Perimenopause, my hormone levels are normal just where they should be. I swallow down my annoyance at the fact that he has no idea where I am in my cycle, let alone where my hormones should be.

I sit there getting agitated. The blood tests weren’t done to rule out Perimenopause, I a person with zero medical experience also know that blood tests are not an indicator of Perimenopause.

He goes on to say there is no cause for concern there is a slightly high white cell count and this could be due to a number of things such as stress and tries to wrap up the call, saying it’s hard to say without examining me or seeing me face to face.

This is not happening again, no f*cking way. I interrupt his little goodbye speech and ask him what he suggests I do next, as I am unable to get in to see my NHS GP and my symptoms are having such a negative impact on my life. I go on to explain in detail that I simply cannot continue living this way with entire days swinging between rage, anxiety & sadness, with the good days getting fewer and farther apart.

My voice cracks a couple of times and I’m not sure if it’s anger, sadness or pure frustration but I manage to hold it together as he then tells me that blood tests are not necessarily a good indicator of Perimenopause so perhaps he should refer me to a private GP, would I like him to do that.

Yes bloody please!!! He fills in the relevant details and says I will receive further information and tells me he hopes I can get the root cause.

I come off the call feeling a mixture of astonishment and fury. If I hadn’t read so much advice and information that is so widely shared nowadays, I would have once again gone on my not-so-merry way and left it there.

How can you just send people away? This sh1t has been happening on and off for over 4 years and I have already explained that this is not normal! The low points can be pretty damn low, this should not be brushed under the carpet.

I am sick of being made to feel like some stupid neurotic woman seeking attention. I’m struggling to get through a morning without having a meltdown let alone an entire day and when I do manage to get through a day of no meltdowns, I realise that I haven’t even been able to enjoy my meltdown-free day because I have been too busy waiting for it to happen!

I was so glad it was the weekend, I just wanted to be at home and do nothing.

2023-08-28 08:35:00

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