Still learning

Wednesday 26th August 2020

The last couple of weeks I have learnt A LOT. Mostly about myself.

Yesterday I had a really good call with Kristy, it’s such a huge benefit that not only is she a nutritionist, she also has a degree in psychology. We discussed my “fuck it” weekend and I realised that I had not really been honest, even with myself, about how I felt last week. I had a terrible day on the Monday and because all the other days weren’t filled with that disaster, I said I was fine. I wasn’t fine. I was still holding on to all that anger and upset, not intentionally. We agreed that I needed to take some time for myself, no distractions, to allow myself to think and to see the difference between my thoughts and reality – who knew they were separate?
I honestly felt so much better after that chat, even though I do sometimes find it difficult to talk about some things. But that’s why I write it here, if I find it difficult, then I share it, it might help someone else find it less difficult.

This morning, I bit the bullet and went on my walk, even though I wanted to stay in bed a bit longer.
In between listening to “Everything is fucked” by Mark Manson on Audible (highly recommend) my brain was jumping all over the place but two things stood out to me.

1. I hold on to my anger way too long
2. Last time I lost a lot of weight, my 7 year relationship ended.
   I had only been out for 36 minutes and when I got home, I felt completely overwhelmed. By the time I’d had a shower, it was time to log on, I hadn’t done any of the things in my morning routine, this, in my little world, was a disaster. I cried. Only a little bit but it all just felt too much. I couldn’t breathe. I needed some space. I message my boss and asked for the afternoon off, which she very kindly gave me. I resolved to take some time for myself in the afternoon.

At 1pm I had a counselling session. For once I felt almost prepared. Usually I just blurt out whatever comes to mind when I’m in there, but today I felt like I really needed it.
It was the best session. It’s always very hard to talk about certain things, especially things, that I now realise, I try to avoid. You see, what I have discovered, which now seems blindingly obvious, is that I am an avoider of my own true feelings. When things get tough, I fill my time with list writing, mindless scrolling of social media, listening to podcasts, watching TV, sometimes doing two of those at a time. Basically, anything to avoid addressing my feelings, anything to distract myself from being vulnerable.
When I am hurt or upset, I use anger. Anger is familiar to me, I am in control of that. This doesn’t help with my self esteem, where I turn the anger on myself, telling myself I’m a failure and not good enough.

I came home, got myself a drink and sat in the garden, alone, I’m not going to do anything. The first 5 minutes or so were really difficult. My brain was telling me all sorts of things I needed to do. “You forgot to put a wash on” “fill up the bird feeder” “ooh you have a notification”
I put my phone on do not disturb and I set a time for 15 minutes on my watch and I sat back, gradually, the chatter in my mind eased and in the end I wasn’t really registering anything I was just being. When the timer eventually went off, I sat for longer, not wanting to look at my phone, quite enjoying the peace.

Then I decided I wanted to tell Kristy about my session today, so I thought I’d write this blog. I’ve still got a long way to go but with Kristy & my counsellor behind me, I know I can do it.

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