Saturday 19th September 2020
Wow. It’s been a very interesting few weeks for me.
After finally mastering mindfulness, I can’t stop. My anxiety has, not surprisingly, been high. Sitting and acknowledging your feelings is VERY uncomfortable, especially when you have spent 39 years hiding from them. Here are some of the things I’ve learned.
We took the kids to Center Parcs for the first time, I was looking forward to it. The first morning, they all went swimming, I’m not getting in a swimming costume so I have a nice morning to myself and decide to take myself for a walk and listen to my audible. It was lovely, until I got to the shop area, which was busier. My anxiety rocketed, I felt like people were looking at me, judging me. I almost went back to the lodge but I forced myself to carry on.
On the Sunday, we played crazy golf, the boys had another activity planned for after and I was going back to the lodge for a chill out. For some reason, I was in a rush to get finished, even though I had nothing planned. When I got back, I realised that when I start one thing, I’m always thinking about the next thing I need to do, I’m not living in the moment or enjoying the things I’m actually doing, I’m not present.
When we were home I had a few days of rage, everything was making me angry and upset, I was miserable and I couldn’t work out why. I just hated life. On Wednesday I saw my counsellor, I have started looking forward to my sessions, I feel like I can be open and say anything without fear of judgement and better still, I usually come away with some way to move forward. This week was exceptionally productive.
This week I discovered that my self esteem is on the floor, me walking and worrying about what others think isn’t exactly that, they’re not judging me, I am! I don’t think I am good enough, this then leads to me either drinking excessively, to numb the pain or negative thoughts or I eat crap and tell myself I am a failure and don’t deserve to look or feel nice. I am rushing through life, to avoid having to deal with anything and I am missing out. I won’t even have my picture taken, so have very few memories on photo.
How do I stop this? I found myself asking my counsellor in desperation. We agreed I need to go back to basics, look after myself, nurture myself. Everytime I tell myself “I can’t be bothered” I’m telling myself I’m not worthy or deserving, so I need to make an effort to do something small for myself each day that I enjoy, it could be as little as doing a face mask to baking a cake. I started that very day. I cleaned the kitchen, I didn’t realise how much a messy house affected my mood. I felt instantly lifted. I cooked a dinner, I do love cooking. Then I took myself off to bed early, cleaned myself up, put some night cream on, lit a candle and read my book. I woke up the next day feeling much better, I think I slept through most of the night too. Just doing those simple few things have had such a positive knock on effect. I met my friend for lunch in London, I spent time and effort into getting ready and when that little voice in my head told me I looked hideous and that it was all a waste of time, I found it easier to ignore.
I’ve also, at Kristy’s suggestion, stopped calorie counting. I was quite worried about this as I felt that calorie counting gave me such control, but actually it wasn’t. I am now eating less as I am not thinking I need to eat everything I have put in my tracker. I’ve been counting calories for long enough to have an idea of what’s what so now I’m not thinking about the next thing I’m going to eat on my tracker, I’m getting on with my day and eating when I’m hungry and more importantly, stopping when I’m full. AND I’ve been more controlled with my alcohol. When I met my friend for lunch I had wine, I was home for 6pm, usually I would carry on drinking but before I reached for the bottle, I asked myself “do I actually want a glass of wine or am I just having one to carry on?” I didn’t want one, so I filled up my water bottle to sip from and had a glass of Coke Zero, then took myself off to bed for a candlelit book read with my face covered in lovely lavender night cream.
I’ve also stopped weighing myself, for two reasons.
- The number on the scales actually doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, I don’t feel anything when I see it, which is amazing as that bloody thing has haunted me for years
- I want to concentrate more on how I feel about myself, regardless of my size, my weight does not define who I am.
I can honestly honestly say, that I would never have got to this point if it wasn’t for Kristy and her amazing support. Joining Mind Your Fitness is by far the best thing I have ever done for myself and I cannot recommend her enough
2020-09-19 11:16:00
