Burn out

Monday 7th September

I’m sure you’re all used to my brief absences by now. I have stopped putting pressure on myself to write everyday, it’s not easy, I like to put pressure on myself, I feel like I have something to aim for, until I set myself to many things “to do” and then have a meltdown.

Last time I wrote, I had a very intense counselling session. I thought that I had resolved all my issues there and then, little did I know, that was just the beginning. The last couple of weeks have been like a rollercoaster of emotions. I have had some extremely uncomfortable moments with myself and others, I’ve had thoughts and conversations I had no idea about and didn’t want to have, but the floodgates have been opened and I cannot stop the waves of thoughts and feelings that have come crashing through. It’s been exhausting. I’m in bed for about 10 hours each night falling straight to sleep as early as 9pm, waking up around 3am, more thoughts, then back to sleep, if I didn’t have work I think I would sleep until lunch time.

I’ve been less angry over the last week, but more sensitive and sad, probably tiredness from broken sleep. I had a busy week socially and was anxious about going out, wanting to hide at home, where I feel safe. I felt mentally drained, I didn’t get much work done, I didn’t have the energy for it, I barely had the energy to think, but I still kept going with the mindful minutes. I set my phone to go on do not disturb at 8pm so I didn’t get swept up in messaging and my screen time to come on at 9pm so I can take a break from mindless scrolling – so if you don’t get a response from me in the evenings, that’s why

My self talk was horrific, telling myself I’m a failure and a let down, convincing myself that I am being judged. It all came to a head and on Sunday I just stayed in my PJs and chilled out.

On Monday morning, I woke up feeling the best I have in a few weeks, I laced up my trainers at 6am and went for a walk, an accomplished morning, it’s going to be a good day.
Then there was an email at work. We’re going back to the office next month. No choices, it’s happening. One half of the team in one week, one half of the team in another. I actually thought I was going to cry, my anxiety rocketed, I don’t want to do this, I’m not ready! I took myself upstairs to do some breathing and calm myself down, it helped. I thought about it rationally, without a pounding heart, shallow breathes and unhelpful voices in my head. The breathing had cleared my mind and I could actually think. Really, this is about unexpected change. I had convinced myself this wouldn’t be happening until next year, no one had told me this, that’s what I had wanted to believe. I was always going to have to go back to the office, at least I don’t have to go back full time, it will do me good to go back in and I still get to work from home half the time. I’ll get to catch up with some of my London friends who I haven’t seen for months. I can’t stay at home forever, I’ve been at home for practically a year, it’s not healthy.

It’s not all doom and gloom, as the week went on, I felt better, I even managed to drink sensibly on two of four occasions, having 1 or two glasses of wine, rather that bottles.

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