April has arrived and it brings, snow. WTAF? It was like some weird April fools joke. We’d had such nice weather the week before, what even was this?
At last weeks counselling session, I went in feeling deflated. The week before I had been so positive, I had felt SO happy and although I was feeling way better than I had on the Monday & Tuesday, I was feeling so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn’t hang on to that feeling for very long. I felt very much like a failure.
She reminded me, that yes my mood had gone down but I was aware that the cause of this was alcohol, and that alcohol does indeed deplete those happy hormones. When I wrote that I felt like I had no serotonin left last week, I had no idea how correct I had been. I literally had none left, no wonder I was feeling so shite!
Every time I feel low, I panic that my depression is coming back. It is a very real fear, I do not want to go back there and will fight to the death to stay away from that awful hole I need to remember that my low mood caused by alcohol and the depression I have suffered are in fact very different and the former is easier to overcome.
She also pointed out that instead of responding in the way I had done previously, by ordering unlimited takeaways, more alcohol and generally lazing around, I got myself out for walks, journaled, blogged and done a number of positive things to boost my mood, and they actually worked and I should be proud of myself. I left that session feeling a lot happier and I really did feel proud of myself.
That evening, I went to the Titanic Exhibition, which I really enjoyed. I’ve written a bit more about it in this weeks newsletter, although I didn’t go into too much detail in case any of you go to it. Its on until 17th April.
During my Headspace meditation on Friday morning, I noticed that they do a monthly check in on your stress levels. I really love this idea! I was asked a short series of questions and given a scoring at the end, my scoring for March was 21 which was moderate, I was quite pleased with that, as I am still a work in progress.
I went out for my belated birthday dinner and drinks on Friday night. I didn’t drink loads, but on Saturday morning I wanted to replenish any precious happy hormones I may have lost through alcohol so I consulted Google. I was delighted to find that eggs and cheese are rich in the necessary nutrients, I love both of these! What delicious breakfast item contains both of these? Only my fave, a McDonalds sausage and egg McMuffin! I made an order for delivery immediately.
For those of you interested, the other foods included in that list are; Pineapple, Salmon, Nuts & seeds, turkey & Tofu. I shall be stocking up on these, except Tofu, I can’t get to grips with it, to me its like eating bath sponge.
I didn’t seem to suffer at all on Saturday, I’m not sure if I was saved by the sausage and egg McMuffin but I had a nice chilled out day.
On Sunday, I was super productive. I cleaned the house, I did the washing, I set my intentions for the week, I cooked a roast dinner, I had a bath, did a face mask and wrote and scheduled a newsletter. Unfortunately, my mood did dip towards the end of the day, I wasn’t sure that it was alcohol related though, I went to bed feeling pretty fed up.
Monday morning then started on a negative tone, I was frustrated and angry that the good mood I had spent all week working towards and finally reached, had disappeared again, I was feeling very resentful but what could I do? The painter was back in the house and my car was going in for an MOT so I couldn’t even escape to the aisles of B&M to buy loads of stuff I didn’t need, I reminded myself that I was supposed to be paying off my debt and spending money on random items would only make me feel better temporarily.
There was one thing proven to make me feel better. My little safe haven, The Sanctuary. I found a diffuser blend to raise my vibration, did my meditation, read a chapter of my book, filled in my journal, put my happy play list on Spotify and lost myself in writing this blog post. Toby, who also seems to enjoy the Sanctuary and its positive vibes came to join me, his preferred spot under the desk, unless its sunny, in which case, he will sunbathe on the windowsill lazily watching the birds fluttering around.
Tuesday brought better weather and more importantly, a better mood. I set off at 9am for the 45 minute walk to my counselling session, listening to “Start Now, Get Perfect Later” on audible. During my counselling session, we discussed how I had been feeling and how I can work on letting my guard down. I was surprised at first to realise that I still have my guard up and how some seemingly small things scare me.
As hard as some counselling sessions can be, I know that by realising these things about myself, I can improve my behaviours and learn how to deal with some things in a better way. It’s strange how once you learn more about yourself, you realise those characteristics you thought you had, aren’t necessarily true. For example, when I am upset,I can be a very angry person, I have come to learn that in actual fact, I am not angry, I just use anger to express my pain, all that shouting and rage is my way of dealing with it. I will be angry about unrelated things, things that when I am not in pain, may not necessarily bother me, anger is comfortable for me, pain, is not.
Now I know this, I am better equipped to deal with it and it does feel really good when you start understanding yourself better, things start to make more sense. I really have come quite far with my therapy and on my way home, I felt lighter, as I usually do after my sessions, there are lots of thoughts swimming around in my head, but it is all positive and my mood is lighter, I snuggle up on the bed with Toby and catch up on Married At First Sight, where once again, the thoughts I had initially, are slowly changing as you get to know the people better, you see changes in their personalities, some not for the better.
I spent a bit of time last week worrying about whether people like my content, are people reading my posts? Getting a sense of the what people do and don’t enjoy is quite difficult. At one point, I thought to myself, am I wasting my time doing this? But then I realised that regardless of whether I have 5 people enjoying my posts or 50, I actually enjoy doing them. I absolutely, love writing the blog posts and the newsletter, I literally plan for an entire week and get completely engrossed in it, so much so, that on Sunday I almost forgot to put dinner on! So as long as I am enjoying these posts, they will continue.
Usually, when I see posts I like or stories asking questions or for feedback, I would just carry on scrolling, now, however, I take time to like any posts I enjoy and I respond to as many stories as I can, I ask questions and I take part in polls to show people posting, that I am reading their content and enjoying it.
As I begin to feel more comfortable in my own skin and more confident in my posts, I decided to take the step to advertise my blog on my personal Instagram. I have been pretty selective about who I have told about my blog in my personal life and although I have posted a few things from the blog page on my own page, I have never actually said it was my blog, my writing, my ideas. I have never felt good enough before. I don’t particularly think my writing skills have improved, since I started the blog page back in 2017, but as I said, I am more comfortable with who I am and less bothered about being judged by others.
People enjoying my content I do care about, but people making judgements on me personally is something for the old me.
I used to think as we got older, it would be harder to change but I have realised, you are never too old to change, bad habits can be erased and there is no reason you can’t be the person you want to be, you may even, like me, enjoy the journey sometimes.
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