Living in Fear

Saturday 19th February

I’m finally feeling better!
I spent a lovely weekend at my friends in Hereford, we lunched, went to the cinema and sat around in our PJs watching TV, just what I needed to welcome myself back into the land of the living.
The drive home on Sunday was pretty grim, the rain was continuous making visibility crap, I’m not really a nervous driver, but I did not enjoy that!
I do love a long solo drive though, it gives you time to have a good old think, I can’t distract myself with scrolling on my phone or watching TV, there is no escape from the thoughts in my head.
My counselling sessions have been getting very deep of late so I used this time to go over some of the things we had discussed, I wanted to go into my next session on Tuesday with some questions and maybe some answers. One thing that I have been thinking about for a while, is that I waste a lot of time living in fear. I live in fear of what might or could happen. I really struggle to live in the moment and just be, I rarely enjoy the here and now as I am too busy thinking about what’s going to come next. An example is going on holiday, I’ll book a holiday, of course I am looking forward to it, but I spend far too much time worrying about the things that could go wrong, missed flights, delays, the hotel not having our booking, bad weather you name it I will worry about it. It’s like if I think of every possible outcome, it won’t be a shock or it won’t upset me as much, which of course is utterly ridiculous, it doesn’t soften the blow at all. Even worse, halfway through the holiday, I start the worry about getting home, is the house ok? Am I going back to piles of work? Are my family ok? Has anything happened? It’s a never ending cycle of worry and planning for every eventuality and it is exhausting
The last week spent in bed, I didn’t have the energy for this level of worry and guess what? Nothing bad happened! I want to get off of this tortuous merry go round. I don’t want to live in fear. I want to live!

When I got home, Toby came for a snuggle, I made myself some food and looked forward to the husband coming home. When he did he arrived with flowers and wine, what a lovely welcome!

On Monday I went to see my parents and the mother and I went shopping, Home Bargains & B&M, where I spent a small fortune on items I didn’t know I needed (but I really do) and had another rainy drive back from Essex.

On Tuesday, I returned some parcels, it’s such a mundane job isn’t it! I had been putting off for a while so I was relieved that it was done and out of the way. I scolded myself, I need to stop putting these tasks off and get them out of the way.
At 4pm I had my counselling session, I spoke about my living in fear and how this is affecting my life. I have such an amazing relationship with my counsellor, I honestly feel like I can tell her anything, sometimes those things are difficult to say but it’s almost like I want to say them as I know she can help me. Even when I leave the session, I am still learning through the week until I have my next session and I continue to be surprised at the things I find out about myself. I am confident that I am going to move away from living in fear with her help.

On Wednesday I had a lovely chilled morning, reading and drinking tea. In the afternoon I went to Zoe to have my lashes done and we discussed our favourite topic, Law of Attraction. She is doing fabulous in her life, in addition to doing lashes and hair, she also now has a Brazilian booty lift business and will soon be offering non surgical face lifts. This girl is killing it and can practically manifest anything she wants! As always, I leave there with a spring in my step (and fabulous lashes of course!)
I go home, light some candles, put some manifestation music on and get my law of attraction planner out for some serious goal setting. I was in such a good mindset after seeing Zoe that I get lots done and feel really positive and clear about my goals. I really need to dedicate time for this in my life, it’s something I really enjoy.

On Thursday I head into London to meet my friend for lunch we head to Bombay Bustle, an Indian restaurant which is designed in the style of an old first class railway coach from India, the food is delicious as always. We walk our lunch off around John Lewis in Oxford street before I head home for a chilled night in with the husband.

On Friday I go for my first massage of the year, I’ve been going to Julie, who is local to me for a few months now but where things have been so up in the air this year I haven’t managed to book myself in. The massage is amazing and I book myself in for a couple of weeks time.
I walk home just in time to batten down the hatches for storm Eunice.

2022-02-19 08:50:24

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