I mentioned in yesterday’s post that it had been an enlightening week. So I thought I would elaborate a bit more on that.
The husband was away with friends, he does this once or twice a year and I usually take the opportunity to have friends over. This year, the two weekends he went away happened to be only a month apart so for the second weekend, I decided not to make so many plans.
I had plans to see friends on the Friday and the Saturday, still giving me a couple of days on either side of the weekend, to myself. My plans for Saturday fell through and that was fine, an extra day to myself wasn’t a bad thing, right?
I was rather hungover on Saturday, so I got myself out for a nice walk in an attempt to shift the headache and came home and plonked myself on the sofa. I made the dinner I had planned and also ate some of the treats I had bought. I had been invited out on Sunday but decided I would see how I felt the next day.
I had a crap sleep and was awake from 3 am to 5 am, where I finally got back to sleep. I woke up the following day at 10 am feeling groggy, I wasn’t going anywhere today.
I wrapped myself in my dressing gown and headed downstairs for a day of food and TV, I hadn’t had a day like this in ages, and I always found myself with things to do.
It didn’t quite go as planned. You see, with no hangover to battle and nothing else to distract me, I was left alone with my thoughts and my thoughts certainly made the most of it.
The old me would have done something about those intrusive thoughts. Drank them away, gone out with friends or found some other way to shut them out. I now know that whilst I can shut those thoughts out today, they will come back. You can’t escape your own mind.
So I invited them in. I listened to what these intrusive thoughts had to say. There were lots of uncomfortable thoughts, some that I had perhaps been hiding from for some time. I questioned them. Why did I think that? Where had that come from? What had triggered that thought?
It was like an entire day of self-therapy and if I’m honest, it was exhausting, but when a thought came, I didn’t hide from it, I’ve spent far too long doing that.
The following day, I was glad to have some work to do and even better, the husband was coming home on Tuesday. I’d had enough alone time. So on Tuesday, I busied myself with picking the husband up from the airport and chatting with him about his holiday.
On Wednesday, I felt great, I had a therapy session at lunchtime and then I was off out with the bestie in the evening. I walked to my therapy session planning on talking about my Sunday and how I addressed my thoughts. I felt like I had overcome a big hurdle.
During that therapy session, I realised that yes, I had mastered the art of addressing my thoughts but in therapy, I had been asked questions that I hadn’t perhaps thought of, or maybe wanted to answer. On Sunday, I had only scratched the surface.
What also come out of that session, was that I was finally coming to terms with who I really am, and who I am becoming. I am not the girl who works in the city and drinks wine at lunchtime. I haven’t been that girl for some time, but she was the only person I knew.
I had been playing that role for so long, it was like a comfortable pair of shoes that I wore because it was easier than trying to wear in a new pair, a pair that suited me much better and were more me.
I am slowly accepting the changes that are coming my way, changes that I have wanted but hadn’t allowed myself to pursue for fear of having to shed that girl. The girl everyone else knows.
I spoke with the husband about my session and he is, as always, super supportive I will be forever grateful to be married to such a kind, patient and understanding person, as, without him, I might not have had the courage to keep pushing myself the way I have been.
I’m still uncovering this girl, slowly peeling away the protective layers I have been adding over the years. I am aware that some people may not like this version of me, but I will not be miserable to make someone else happy.
It’s time to be true to myself and be comfortable with who I really am ❤️
