Hope is on the horizon

Sunday 9th January

Why do I fall for it every year? Every year I think some miracle will occur and I will bubble over with some new found enthusiasm. To be fair, I usually do get a little spurt of motivation for the first few weeks at least, this year I don’t even think I got two days of it.

I wasn’t feeling 100%, not COVID (apparently this is now the done thing whenever we have a slight sniffle, declare it not COVID) anyway, my house was full of boys and football, the testosterone was getting too much so as soon as I felt better, I went over to my parents for dinner, my mum and I working up an appetite by having a little shopping trip. I felt better after my visit, like I had been reset.

Tuesday came way too fast and it was back to work properly from the Christmas break. Quite frankly, I was dreading it. I got up did some meditation and went for a walk, the plan being that I would do a walk before and after work to get into and out of work mode.
I’m not sure it worked as I spent the first zoom call of the day venting to my boss, he made the mistake of saying he wanted people to work longer hours, I of course let him know how I felt about that. I have no issue putting the hours in if you are appreciated and valued, but it has been made apparent on more than I one occasion, that this is not the case.

I didn’t make the walk after work, I was completely drained. The husband had gone out so I just took a couple of hours for myself. I wanted to be alone but I also felt sad that I was alone. 2022 is not winning me over so far, only 4 days in and my brain was doing overtime and I felt sad, angry and defeated.
The following morning I forced myself up and out for a walk, not particularly enjoying it. Where is
my positivity? How do I get it back? The a little light came in, my friend Tanya wrote her blog post on the law of vibrations. It was just what I needed and gave me the perspective that I needed so badly.
I realised I needed to stop putting pressure on myself to do it all and take baby steps, one thing at a time. I can’t overhaul my entire life in the first few days of January.
My mood lifted and when the husband went off to football that evening, I spent my night in catching up with friends. I felt a lot better.

On Thursday, my boss resigned. I was gutted, he is a really nice guy and now the 10th person to leave the team in 18 months, the 11th person was leaving the following Wedsnesday. Where does this leave me? We are already short staffed, the pressure is already huge. Is there no escape from all this stress I was feeling?

The next couple of days I felt lost, alone and uncertain of my future, I felt like I was teetering on a very thin tightrope and I was sure how much longer I could stay on. My friend came over for lunch on Saturday and I spoke to her which helped a little bit, but I wanted the problems to go away and be out of my brain. I didn’t want to keep waking up everyday feeling like a had a tennis ball in my throat.

On sunday, the husband and I went to the countryside for a nice long walk. It was a planned route I had found online. I clearly hadn’t read it properly as some parts were vertical. Halfway into the walk, the husband said something and I just had a complete meltdown, which went into a panic attack.
When the walk was finally over, all 6.8 miles of it. I was exhausted, not only physically but mentally. Every single ounce of energy I had been using to keep me going was gone. I felt I had nothing left to give.

On Monday, I still felt exhausted, but I felt a little lighter for letting all those thoughts out of my brain, I wasn’t constantly questioning myself on whether to talk about my feelings. It was out there. So why wasn’t I feeling better? Work was, as expected, hideous. I was so grateful to be working from home, I couldn’t even be bothered to get dressed, let alone leave the house.

On Tuesday, I didn’t feel as exhausted, I’d gone to bed early the night before. Today I had a Tarot reading with Tanya which I was looking forward to and it was bloody brilliant (I’m going to write a separate post about that this week) this definitely lifted my spirits.

On Wednesday I had my counselling session, where I cried and spoke honestly about how I felt, she, as always, helped me gain perspective, look at my options and I come away feeling like I had a lot more clarity, even if I didn’t have the answers. I had hope.

2022-01-16 19:16:31

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