Don’t look at the clock

Wednesday 19th August 2020

Last night, I had a bit of a breakthrough. I was making a chicken and spinach lasagne for dinner, it was nice outside and thought it would be nice to have dinner outside and a glass of red, I actually fancied a glass of wine, not needed. The husband and I shared a bottle with dinner, I really enjoyed it. Then the inevitable happened “shall we open another bottle?” the husband is obviously expecting me to say yes as he’s in his way to the kitchen, I decline, I really don’t want another glass of wine. “Why don’t you have gin?” Then I am handed a gin, I take a sip, decide I don’t want it and take myself off to bed. Progress. I give myself a marble. I’ve got 4 in the last week. 1 from Friday, my first sober Friday since lockdown, 1 from Sunday when the husband opened a bottle of wine and I didn’t touch a drop, 1 from Monday, where I was in a rage and “needed” a drink, but didn’t and last nights show of strength, I felt, deserved a marble.

I randomly wake up, it’s still dark, I don’t look at the clock, never look at the clock, no good can come from looking at the clock, I will just lie there calculating how long I have until I have to be up. Turns out, there would be no going back to sleep. I hear every little noise, convincing myself there is someone in the house, then realising it’s Toby having his crack of dawn game with himself. The damage is done, my brain is awake, there’s no going back now. I look at the time, just before 5am. I close my eyes again and hope for sleep to come, but I start running through my to do list, 30 minutes later, I’m up and getting ready for my walk.

The day is miserable with drizzle and rain, being inside I don’t mind it. I do feel very blah though, I just want to curl up in a blanket and I don’t know why. I do have a counselling session at 1pm.

Today we discuss the past week and things that have happened, it is becoming more apparent, that the root of a lot of my issues is my self esteem and self worth. It’s funny, when I tell people I have anxiety, they seem so surprised, I must give off some air of confidence, or most likely, I am drunk, in which case, I probably would appear confident. This is another thing I’m working on with Kristy, each week at check in, we write something that we like about our body and for me, it’s honestly the hardest part. But, when I look back over the weeks, I am getting better at being kinder to myself, which means more progress.

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