What am I so afraid of?

Wednesday 26th January

I’ve been a busy girl, planning, planning and more planning. I’ve booked a mid March birthday dinner with my family, I’ve booked in lunches and dinners galore and I’ve finally booked the spa break with my friend.

I spent some of the weekend looking at Spa hotels all over England, I whittled it down to 6 in various places and sent over to my friend to make a final decision and she chose one in Leamington Spa. After booking I was feeling all excited, so I decided to have a little look and see what else Leamington Spa has to offer, I randomly notice whilst reading about it that six wells had been discovered in the area. Why is this ringing a bell? OMG Tanya mentioned on my Tarot reading that when I went to a retreat, she could see a well of water. Oh My.

On Sunday, it would have been my friends 41st birthday and I had been invited out in the evening with her friends and her mum. It was honestly such a lovely evening, all sharing memories and being together on her special day, at one of her favourites places.

I had no plans on Monday and I was quite please, I felt a bit groggy from all the wine the night before, I had a nice lie in and a pretty chilled out day, we finished succession and I window shopped online.
On Tuesday, I woke up with worst anxiety I have had, possibly ever. My heart was racing, I felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs and I started panicking about all the plans I had made. I spoke to the husband and he said I should cancel my plans if thats how I was feeling.
I felt so terribly guilty, I hated cancelling and letting people down. I messaged a couple of my friends and luckily they were lovely and understanding but I still felt guilt, as well as the ever mounting anxiety.
The husband took me for lunch when we went to get his car back and when we got home, my brain decided that anxiety and guilt wasnt punishment enough, no. I needed to feel sad too now. Brilliant.
I decided to switch the TV off and read my book, the husband was actually working for once so it was nice and peaceful. Before I knew it, I had nodded off. I obviously needed the sleep.
I did some bits around the house and made dinner, feeling slightly better, we decided to put Afterlife on. I have to say, Ricky Gervais is a genius. I enjoyed the previous two series but I found this series really therapeutic, I think this should be prescribed to people who have lost a loved one, it has some very thought provoking moments and some beautiful words we could all do with hearing, no matter whether we are grieving or not. I made it to the very last episode without crying, but then it got me. I needed it though, the cry dispelled some of the tension in my body and I went to bed feeling better than I had done all day.

This morning, I woke up at 5am. FFS. I put my podcast on and tried to get back to sleep, but an hour later, I gave up, came downstairs with Toby, made myself a tea and decided to catch up on some TV.
Lately, I can’t seem to focus on anything, if the TV is on, I will be scrolling mindlessly through my phone, so I decided that I was going to sit down and watch something without touching my phone. I put on Trigger Point (Wow! If you havent watched it you really should! The first episode will keep you gripped) I managed to watch the entire episode without looking at my phone. Sadly, when I put the next program on, I reverted to scrolling, but I managed to get through one program so its not a complete failure.

As the morning goes on, the anxiety creeps back in. I just want to feel normal and excited about life, but all I can think about is how I have so much to do, the house needs cleaning and tidying constantly, there is washing to be done, I have lunches and dinners planned with friends, I need to do some writing, I need to start looking for a new job and panicking about having to go back to work, even though I still have 2 more weeks.
I cannot waste this time, but I know that I do need to rest, I need to do nothing, I need to address ALL of whats gone on and whats going on, before I can even think about the next steps. Why wont my brain listen? I know this, I’ve said it repeatedly to myself and others, so why is my heart racing as if there is a huge disaster awaiting me? Why do I feel that there is a really important deadline looming? and WHY am I not giving my brain the space it needs? What am I so scared of thinking or feeling things, that I am overloading myself with distractions, all of the scrolling, planning and unimportant jobs that can wait? What will happen if I just stop for a moment and breathe?

This is something I am determined to find out.