We all fall down

Thursday 3rd February

This self awareness business is bloody exhausting.

Name any emotion you can and in the last 7 days, I have felt it. Thankfully, on Friday I had a much needed counselling session.
It truly amazes me how some simple questions can uncover so much and I now have a lot more insight into why have been feeling the way I have recently and also realise why I am reacting the way I am to certain situations. This week, we discussed my work situation, why I was feeling like a failure and more importantly why I need to rest. My key takeaways were to not keep adding to my pot by making endless plans (oops) and to practice mindfulness, simple things like breathing and eating mindfully.
I left the session to meet my friend for lunch, I drove so I could make sure that I wasn’t going to get drunk, which does my anxiety no good. We had a lovely catch up and it was nice to actually go back home sober and have the evening with the husband and the kids.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to take the advice given on Saturday either as I had a full day planned, I went to my friends to have my nails and waxing done (technically self care) then onto the hair salon to get my hair put in pin curls for the evening celebration of my best friends birthday. It was a brilliant night, I haven’t had a night out like that in such a long time but the 4am bedtime did not get the week off to the best start. McDonald’s breakfast was ordered, starting off an entire day of eating shite, there was no hangover in the sense of headache or feeling sick, but just a lazy, dehydrated shell of a woman. Monday will be better.
Indeed, I did feel better on Monday, my food choices were better, I had my eyelashes done but my anxiety was back. There were some plans I needed to change which I had been putting off, I finally bit the bullet and as usual, wished I had done it sooner as no one was bothered about changing. The day ended in laughter, after my friend told me she had taken her dog for a walk and instead of putting the dog poo in the poo bin, she put her keys in there, spending 20 minutes after breaking into the poo bin to retrieve them!

On Tuesday, I met another friend for lunch which I really enjoyed. I came home before rush hour, quite pleased with myself at my self control with the alcohol intake, but this satisfaction wasn’t to last as the evening ended in a rather irrational meltdown where I exhausted myself into bed at 8:30.
I woke up yesterday feeling utterly shocking, my entire body ached, my throat was sore and I was shattered, I knew I wasn’t ill, this was the toll taken on my body from the stress I had unnecessarily putting myself through. I spent the entire morning in bed, in and out of sleep. I went downstairs to make the husband and I some lunch and then had a nice long bath. I had arranged to meet my friend for dinner locally and I had toyed with the idea of cancelling but I did really want to see her, laying around wasn’t making me feel better, getting up and out might help.
It did a bit and I was glad I went, we had a lovely catch up but when I got home I was exhausted, back into bed it was. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

Well tomorrow is here and I don’t particularly feel any better, again I don’t feel “ill” I have a sore throat and just feel really lethargic. The good thing is, I have absolutely no plans today, the husband is going to cook dinner and has already made me breakfast and lunch, so I have barely moved from my bed, which I am finding quite the struggle but I want to feel better so needs must. I just need to ignore the to do list swimming round in my head, put my phone on do not disturb and see if I can make a dent in my Netflix watchlist.