Ramblings of my mind

Monday 14th December 2020

This is about the 5th time I’ve written a blog in the last couple of weeks. I use the term “blog” loosely as it was mostly ramblings of my misery, which, quite frankly, I don’t want or need so you guys definitely don’t.

I really have had nothing of any worth to say and as the old saying goes “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”

On a positive note, for the last couple of days, things appear to be on the up mood wise, after 3 weeks of pure hell and what is hopefully the last of my withdrawals from my anti depressants. I can see why people end up on them for so long, the withdrawals I’ve had this time around have made me feel that I need to go back on them, that would have been the easier thing to do, but I’ve learned from my counselling sessions that for me, numbing doesn’t solve the problems, shutting the world out, distancing yourself and basically putting your hands over your ears shouting lalalala, funnily enough doesn’t get rid of the issues. So now, I have a few things I am facing up to, I’m having conversations I’ve been putting off for years, I’m shouting a lot and I’m crying even more but I am feeling my feelings and after years of trying to not do that, it’s actually quite cathartic.
With every tearful outburst and there have been loads, sometimes three or four times per day, I have felt a little lighter.

One morning last week, determined to start the day on a positive note, I came downstairs early to have a cup of tea and read a new book I’ve ordered called “The Magic” it’s about positivity and the law of attraction, what a good way to start the day right? About two pages in, I start crying, it turns into a massive sobfest and the entire time I am thinking to myself “why the fuck am I crying?” Even now I don’t know the answer to that question, I knew I just needed to get it out.

Most days have been like this, I have struggled to find the joy in life, I can’t be bothered to track my calories, I can’t be bothered to drink water, I have more or less been actively not looking after myself. Obviously, this whole pandemic situation isn’t helping and I can totally see why people would decide to be on medication, I even had the discussion with my counsellor. But, then something happened, something so small, had I have not been feeling so shite, I probably wouldn’t have noticed it. I started a new book, I really enjoyed it and that small feeling of enjoyment was a little bit magical, because then I noticed a few other little enjoyments, snuggles with the Tobes, my lovely Christmas tree, the taste of food, the nice feeling after a long hot bubble bath. All these little things that are there everyday, I suddenly found the joy in again.

So for all that magnified pain that I had gone through, all that negative shit, now comes joy and bloody hell am I appreciating it.

2020-12-14 12:56:00

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