I was lucky enough to have a counselling session the morning after I ended my last post and I was back in what I like to call my “sane mind.” I could think more clearly and went into the session with the aim of getting some ideas and techniques I could practice to help me stay in this frame of mind.
In a lot of my therapy sessions now, I find that as I am speaking, I am able to find a lot of the answers to my questions and it is in that room that I can accept and acknowledge my growth with a gentle nudge from my amazing therapist. I still have work to do but I feel that this year, I have uncovered some big things that have been affecting me deeply and now I know what they are, I can work on those.
There is still that voice of someone from my past in my head, taking over at times and that is where my focus will be, to banish that voice, that inner critic and become myself again.
When I go home, I get myself in the sanctuary. I haven’t worked in here for a while, even though I know it helps me just by being in there.
The self sabotage has been hard at work preventing this. I use the advice from my therapist where I have to justify the no’s I tell myself and I do not have a justifiable reason to be working outside of my sanctuary.
My good day ends perfectly by going for dinner with the bestie.
On Wednesday, I am still sailing on a high vibe, despite having a few glasses of rose the night before. I am productive, which boosts my mood further, but I do want to take some time to reflect in my therapy session the day before. I want to put some things in place before the inevitable storm rolls in, so I decide that’s something I will do tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes too bloody soon. 4 a.m. to be exact. But I do as I had planned and I even get all my work finished by lunchtime, then I hit a slump. I avoid scrolling on my phone and decide to spend an afternoon reading, something I haven’t done in a long time. I realise it’s something I need to do more of.
On Friday, I am once again reminded of what I have learned in therapy when I am triggered by something the husband says. When I catch myself feeling angry I take my therapists advice and question how I feel and rather than try and hide or mask it, I sit with it.
It is extremely difficult and uncomfortable, I get upset and then, I speak to the husband about it. I explain what I have been learning in my recent sessions and the things I am putting into place to move forward and improve.
He patiently listens as I fumble over those difficult words, sharing some of my inner most thoughts, feelings and fears. He doesn’t judge me or interrupt me and lets me ramble on for longer than I probably needed to.
At the end I felt like a weight had been lifted. It felt so good not to carry that burden around with me, instead of releasing it bit by bit in my fortnightly therapy sessions.
There is a long way to go still, but I have finally accepted that I don’t have to do it alone.
After a week of feeling full of beans and happiness (ovulation) along comes my luteal phase which coincides with the start of my 11 days of progesterone tablets. Which last time brings exhaustion, pain and tears.
When Monday comes and I can barely lift my head because I am so tired and Tuesday serves up erratic mood swings, I start to wonder if this is really working.
I am not sure which is the main culprit or if they are both working in tandem to destroy me. It certainly feels that way. When I look it up, the luteal phase IS the rise in progesterone and does bring all the fun stuff like:
- Mood swings
- Irritability
- Anxiety
- Fatigue
- Bloating
- Tender breasts
- Headaches
- Breakouts or spots
- Changes in appetite
Fucking great. So if my body is too exhausted and in pain – my joints feel like they belong to the tin man before he got the oil – how can I make myself feel better?
But, to my surprise, on Wednesday I feel back to normal. I’m in a good mood, I have a little more energy. As the week goes on, I dare to believe that this is working for me, I can absolutely handle 1-2 crappy days in a month and if I am aware of which days those will be, even better, as I can plan around them.
So I will continue to track how I feel but for now I am so happy that I may be getting back to the real me.
