Last week, I tried to combat my negative self-talk by writing positive things.
I would love to say it worked overnight and I am cured of that evil voice in my head, but sadly that isn’t quite the case.
If anything, the voice began to get meaner, feeding off of the low mood it had put me in. I spent some time with friends at the weekend, which helped, but when I didn’t have plans I wanted to stay in, scrolling social media, making myself feel worse.
On the Bank holiday Monday, I had an entire day all to myself, which I was looking forward to. I had toyed with the idea of working to keep myself busy, but I decided to have a day of no plans and just do what I felt like doing on the day.
I spent the first of my waking hours crying, again. The evil voice appeared telling me all the bad things about myself. I felt like a child in a school, being bullied and called names. WTF is happening to me?
Since having my last therapy session, I am so much more aware of this voice, it almost feels like they are a real person. As much as I know that this has to stop, I also know that I need to work through whatever this is, instead of distracting myself or burying it. It’s not going to go away and I have come too far to go back now.
Other things were starting to make sense now, like my reaction to certain things. For example, I woke up to a messy kitchen and an empty house. I was annoyed, my initial, quite dramatic thought was that no one gave a shit about me, people think I am not worth consideration and that they can just leave their mess for me to tidy up.
Then I realised that it was me saying that to myself, about myself, no one else. I know that if the husband hadn’t had to get up and out early, he would have done it, but he had not deliberately left it for me with the thought that I am not worthy of consideration.
I had and not only had I thought it but, I was also allowing myself to believe it. Where had this voice come from? And more importantly, how do I get rid of it?
I have learned a lot about setting boundaries with others over the years, but now I need to learn how to set boundaries with that negative voice and stop it from intruding into my thoughts. But how can you do that when that voice is always with you? Waiting for you to show the smallest sign of weakness or low mood?
Of course, I consulted Google, and whilst the solutions I read made sense, I wasn’t sure that they would stop the negative voice in his tracks. Maybe I have to let the negative thoughts happen, wait for the storm to pass and then address it? The problem with that was, this storm had been raging for over a week now, it felt as though the clouds were never going to part.
I vowed that I was not going to be held hostage any longer. The following morning I got myself up and out on my morning walk. During that time, I was able to clear my head. The negative thoughts were still there, but they didn’t seem so overwhelming.
I then remembered something my therapist told me recently. She is qualified in EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing Therapy) which uses rhythmic eye movements to process trauma. She explained that walking can provide a similar rhythmic movement which stimulates both the left and right sides of the brain. This can then help to process negative thoughts and emotions.
I realised that on those days when I am feeling low, I need to make going for a walk non-negotiable and it’s no coincidence that since I have been going out for a morning walk, I haven’t shed a single tear, in fact, by the time I get home from my walks, that negative voice is barely a whisper.
