After my recent post I went on to think a bit more about everything, I mean nothing like a bit of overthinking right?
Another thing that’s been playing on my very annoying mind lately is that I feel like I love my boyfriend more than he loves me, I know it’s not a competition but sometimes I could really do with feeling the love. Don’t get me wrong he tells he loves me all the time, but I’m more of an actions girl. I have to remind myself that my ex husband was an “actions” man and it turned out he cheated on me regularly throughout our entire 7 year relationship so just because he doesn’t roll out the red carpet, it doesn’t mean he loves me any less.
Writing my last post also made me question myself. Was I doing all these things because I want him to do them back? The answer is actually no. The reason I do these things is because I genuinely want to make him happy, I love looking after him, as tragic as it sounds, but I do. Unfortunately it does make me resent him sometimes, as he would never think to offer to cook dinner or run me a bath. If I want something I have to ask for it, which for me takes thought out of it, which is the thing that (I think) bothers me.
I say I think as because as I said before I can’t quite pin point my bloody problem, it’s like I’m trying to create one. I’ve wondered if it’s a reaction to getting married, that I’m so scared I will fail in this relationship I’m trying to find fault, to prevent any eventual hurt. When I can have a sane conversation with myself, I know this is silly, this is the man I can truly see myself growing old with, the man I love in spite of all the faults I seem to pile against him, the man who I can (and have) said anything too, even sounding and acting like a complete lunatic, the man who still cuddles me despite me not washing my hair for two days and wearing pyjamas with curry spilt on them and the man that always tries to protect my feelings and has never uttered one nasty word to me, despite me hurling tirades of drunken abuse at him.
I guess we balance each other out really he’s the calm, patient, forgiving one and I am the organised, loving erm lunatic?2022-04-20 13:11:18
